Single people of any age use sex to achieve intimacy when conversation and silence can be much more effective.

What?

I believe that; in fact, I have tried it and it works.

Since abstinence pledges, virginity rings and church programs seem to have failed, we might as well try this.

I can train you and your organization to think and act this way with follow up programs for accountability and success.

If you’d like to know more or want to refer me to a group that wants to trade failure for success in this arena, contact me through this website for more details.

Because of the keywords I have used in this post, I realize that I have opened up the website for lots of spam but I am willing to risk it. If I can prevent one unwanted pregnancy and child, if I can prevent a marriage that should never happen and a divorce that rips lives apart, I will have achieved my goal.

Writing is easier than marketing and looking for a publisher. Trust me on this one.

I am writing a book on listening and speaking called Zip It! and I love working on it, testing it out with clients, and looking forward to mass marketing.

But first, I must find a publisher.

Follow my work on: http://jillkampmelton.blogspot.com

What do you do when you expect an employee, co-worker or even family member to do something and they don’t deliver? Do you blame them? Do you blame yourself?

Here is a way out.

The antidote to micromanagement, that is others feeling micromanaged by you, is this. After you state your expectations clearly ask, “On a scale of 1-5, how likely is it that you will be able to meet my expectation?” If they say, “2″, then ask, “What is missing?”

Now here is a key part of this conversation. “Zip it.” After you have asked an important question, keep your mouth closed and your ears open. Listen to everything the other person says, everything. Don’t judge them; hear them.

When they are completely done, ask, “What can I do to support you, to help you get your efforts up to a 4 or close to a 5?”

Then, zip it, again.

If you repeat this process and really stay open to what you hear, you will inspire a spirit of collaboration. The other person will feel part of the process, not just a pawn to do as you ask.

Your expectation conversation is not complete without this piece. With it, your expectations will be met, or you will revise your expectations in line with reality. Either way, it is win/win for both people.

If you try this, please give me feedback. I welcome hearing about how you walk this through.

So I have lost 15 pounds and exercise regularly. My blood analysis shows excellent results. Magic? No. I had a plan and I am executing it. Want to know more?

It started with a course I sat in on, about “portion distortion.” Of course I knew that I ate too much, but the metrics impressed me.

So that was Step # 1 – Reduce the amount of food I eat at one meal.

Step #2 – Exercise daily. I go to the gym, it’s a block from my house, early in the morning, because I am a morning person. I figured out that if I got up 15 minutes earlier, I could exercise, go home, eat and get to work on time. I like to be productive and this was a good start. On a good day, I also exercise when I come home from work, either a walk, a bike ride or more gym. Yesterday we went for a kayak trip on the intercoastal.

Step #3 – Change what I eat. I have become a vegan and I love the food I am eating. I also love the food I don’t eat. I just don’t eat it, that’s all. I eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains, seeds, nuts, sprouts, as much organic food as possible, and as much raw as possible.

I don’t eat animal protein, dairy, fish, and much cooked food.

Step #4 – I plan what I buy and what I eat, sometimes. I’d like to do it everyday, but I’m not there yet.

Step #5 – I got help. I registered online for a free 60 day challenge at: www.hacres.com

Everyday you get a video to watch on your computer and some recipes. Then I visited Hallelujah Acres in Shelby, NC and bought some recipes, ingredients and ate at their cafe.

Step #6 – I found a wonderful vegan restaurant nearby that we visit when I need a boost.

Step#7 – I just joined an organic food coop in my area. Check your area for one. For $30 a week I get a basket of organic fruits and vegetables. You can add on extras for a fee.

Step#8 – I don’t think about the rest of my  life eating this way. I just take it “one meal at a time.” It’s less overwhelming.

Step#9 – I prepare food this way for guests. So far they have eaten everything and ask lots of questions. Some are inspired to improve their eating.  I have given up worrying about what others think.

Step#10 – I prepare food for my husband the same as I do for myself.  He eats what he wants when I’m not around and that’s OK. I’m not the food police.

Step#11 – I bring this kind of food to a weekly potluck I attend and people always eat what I bring and say it’s delicious. They are starting to change some of the food they bring.  But I am not the food police. Although I don’t eat the animal protein dishes, I don’t talk about it unless specifically asked a question.

If you are interested in this and have specific questions, contact me.

Lose weight and be fit. I’d love the company.

Articles are everywhere on bullying. For example, “kids need to be taught the power of words.” Look at almost any website geared toward parenting and you will see this being talked about.

Who is teaching kids to bully? We are. When we careless spew forth the garbage of our minds in front of kids, we are giving them permission to do the same.

We need to purify our words. We need to use filters BEFORE speaking: filters of thought, discernment, sensitivity, and etiquette. We need to use filters to take out the dirt and impurities.

Wait… wait and breathe, as www.marianneclyde.com says.

And then… if you must… use words.

Do you have a 3′oclock slump? Do you have any predictable daily slump? I mean any time of day when you wish you could take a nap?

Many do. I don’t.

If you do, consider what you are eating that might make you crash. Or better yet, consider what you are not eating that might pep you up.

A hot meal for breakfast and/or lunch might make you feel like snoozing. Save it for dinner.

For breakfast try a fruit smoothie, or just a bowl of fresh fruit. Add some extra vitamins or other supplements and you should be turbo charged for the morning.

For lunch hit the salad bar. Lots of fresh vegetables with some walnuts, avocado slices, and a nutritionally fortified dressing will keep you awake and help you be productive.

For dinner, then eat cooked foods because they will fill you up and make you sleepy.

During the day, snack on fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds.

If you try this regime, please email me and give me some feedback.

It works for me.

It seems to me that managers and leaders at all levels, from frontline to middle and senior management, executives, appointees, ALL, have the opportunity to be the boss they never had. Read, “I have the opportunity to be the boss I never had.”

Also, great leaders reinvent leadership for themselves and their organizations, no matter how large or small they are. Read, “I have the opportunity to reinvent leadership for myself and for my organization.”

So what is holding you back? Tradition, fear, lack of courage?

Identifying what is holding you back is the first step toward reinventing your future. Why not begin today?

On May 10, 2010 Time Magazine published their list of the most influential 100 people in the world. My favorite is Chen Shu-chu, cited for her “small,  extraordinary acts of kindness.”

A vegetable vendor in a market in southern Taiwan, she has made an ordinary, modest living all her life. Yet, she has donated the equivalent of $320,000 to several non-profits. A childrens’ fund, a library and an orphanage all received Chen Shu-chu’s donations.

The article goes on to quote her saying, “There isn’t much to talk about, because I did not enter any competition…I haven’t really made any huge donations.”

To sum up her philosophy of giving, she said, “Money serves its purpose only when it is used for those who need it.”

These thoughts echo a song that was sung at my wedding 20 years ago. (Happy Anniversary to me!)

“Just ordinary people, God uses ordinary people

He uses people, just like you and me

To do what He commands.

He uses people, who will give their all

No matter how small the road may be.

Little becomes much, when you place it in the Master’s hands.”

What “little” do you have that could be “much” for someone else? Figure it out, pray about it, and then give it away. God’s multiplication of resources will make a huge difference. And if you are like me, ordinary, your pleasure in giving will surpass any pleasure you may have had up until now, receiving.

Recently on a transatlantic flight, I read an article in Time Magazine that quoted a politician quoting Calvin Coolidge. “There is no dignity quite so impressive and no independence quite so important as living within your means.”

This resonates with me.

First, many of you know that I am trademarked as Queen of Bargains(R) and wrote a column in the Washington Times for 5 years on “living rich without being rich.”  Second, the economic makeover that the world is suffering without overt invitation is forcing a course correction that most people never anticipated.

Why is it dignified to live within one’s means? It seems to me that prudence in how one uses money, is just as important as being wise in using time, talent, energy, thought, sex, everything that is important to anyone.

What stopped me in my tracks was the emphasis on dignity. Dignity has seemed in short supply in the behavior of many in the US. The arts lost their dignity, perhaps in the 1960′s and people’s behavior mirrored the arts. Or did the arts mirror people’s behavior?

I remember the summer of 1968 when graffiti first appeared all over New York City’s subway cars.  Had the city lost its dignity?

When graffiti became “art”, we had truly hit bottom.

Dignity is not pride. Dignity is the ability of a person to be authentic and real with values. Pride involves hanging onto a perception of how someone wants to be perceived, true or not.

Living within one’s means enables you to spend and save and without needing a handout. If all I can afford is a one room apartment or tiny bungalow, and it is clean and orderly, I am dignified. If I eat simple meals and wear simple clothing, I can be dignified. If I grow my vegetables, walk to work, and enjoy contentment in pleasures that don’t cost money, I am dignified.

This is important. This is a lost art.

I once wrote, “Go to a historic home and learn how to live.”  (The Queen of Bargains (R) Little Instruction Book.) Finding pictures of these relics in a library counts. What do you see? Sparsely furnished rooms that we call minimalist now. Order reigns and there are no TV’s or electronic toys.

The wisdom bears repeating, “There is no dignity quite so impressive and no independence quite so important as living within your means.”

With the Icelandic volcano spewing forth and escalating its output, I have been overcome with the certainty that a new job exists for all the unemployed and all those who find no fulfillment in their work. That is the job of “Disaster Angel.”

Earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, coal mine collapses and other acts of God have created a new growth industry, Disaster Relief.

From the small, seemingly insignificant acts of mercy, like feeding people stranded in airports worldwide, to arriving  on the scene and ministering, looking for people who can’t move and need help, to any other act of service that presents itself, there are no lack of opportunities.

Of course, pray as if the salvation of the world depended on your prayers. Act as if the next sandwich you give someone in distress will save a life. Be the person that others turn to and hug, help and hunger yourself to be the solution.

I think armies of “Disaster Angels” are required now. That’s us.

Think about this:

Great decisions are made by people who reinvent the decision making process for themselves and the people who will be impacted.

There is no box.

What decisions do you need to make? How will you make them?

Use decision making models, if you must. Use them to inspire you to invent the best one for you and your situation.  It may not resemble any other decision making model that you can find.  It will be better.

If you need to give feedback to a manager above you, you must proceed cautiously. Ask yourself, “Is it true, is it necessary and is it time.”

Timing is critical because your comments may not be heard if the timing is wrong.

First, notice the occasions when you and your boss have a rapport that is easy, open and almost fun. See if there is a pattern. If this kind of exchange happens several times a month, choose one of those times to raise your issue.

Second,   only raise one issue per conversation.

If the time is right, affirm to your boss how glad you are that you have these positive exchanges. Then ask if you can give him/her some feedback.

If there is an open door and the time is right, raise your issue and then “zip it.” Wait for it to sink in.

When your boss acknowledges your comment, acknowledge that you are glad you had an opportunity to discuss this issue. Then close the conversation with, “Thanks for giving me the opportunity.” And then leave.

Discuss only one difficult issue at a time.

Then observe if he/she has taken your feedback to heart and changed the behavior you had a problem with. If you see results, wait for the next easy rapport to begin again. If you see no results, wait for the next easy rapport and ask if you can give him/her some feedback. Ask, “Last time we talked seriously, I mentioned that I am uneasy when you…….” I have been wondering what you have been thinking about that. ” Then “zip it” again, and wait.

If you don’t get through after a few attempts, drop it.

Sometimes you can coach a boss and sometimes you can’t. Wisdom is knowing whether or not you can.

A student recently told me that He shared my advice and wisdom with his wife, “Learn to listen as though every word you hear were the oxygen you needed to breathe.”

She smugly retorted,  “If that were true, you would suffocate.”

I asked him if that were true, and unfortunately he admitted it was.

What gets in the way of your listening and really hearing what someone says to you? Is it your own assumptions about what they really mean? Is it your impatience to take in their meanings while you write your own response in your mind?

How would you know if your listening is poor? By the feedback, verbal and non-verbal others give you. If someone says, “I told you that a few days ago,”  where were you in the original conversation?

Learn to be present in the present. It will help your relationships and it will calm you down. Don’t race to the next moment. Savor the one you are in.

Last month I wrote about impossible things.

So where do you stand on the scale of believing impossible things: once a year, once in a lifetime, or once a day? If your answer is not at all, let’s have a talk. Do you have time?

If you always believe “possible” things, you may never move to another level of thought, belief or action about those things or perhaps any other things.

How should you begin to believe impossible things? Begin by banishing the heckler inside you. The heckler is the voice that calls you stupid, a dreamer, lazy, ineffectual or any other epithet that is unlovely. You have given this heckler squatter’s rights inside your head and heart. Evict the beast now! That beast may be a compilation of every thoughtless word that has ever been said against you by others and it doesn’t belong in you.

Now invite only positive influences inside. Be careful what you read, watch and think about. Be your own bouncer and don’t let the garbage in.

After cleaning your “inside of you” house, now lean back and allow yourself to listen to the air, the birds, the weather, every little bit that surrounds you. Listen to the inside of you. And pretty soon you will feel the heart of God beating in you, beginning to awaken you to impossible things. Your heart will pound and you will become more awake than you have been in a long time, perhaps forever.

If you begin to awaken to impossible things, please leave me some feedback. I will rejoice with you.

Most of us know that “things are often NOT what they appear to be. So why do we get blind-sided by the very thing we know is out there to get us?

Because we are human.

When people tell us they have nothing more to learn, they don’t mean it. They are just afraid that they may not be able to change.

When people tell us that they are trapped in circumstances that are beyond their ability to change, don’t believe them. They just don’t know how. They might not believe they have any effectiveness at all. They are being bullied by their own fears or by real bullies that wield undue power.

However, we can change ourselves, our reactions to bullies, and our own fears.

Winston Churchill once said, “Never, never, never, never, never, never give up!”